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06:57 pm: The Creation Campaign: Chapter One–The Dreamers Whose Dreams Are True

I have posted the first chapter of my next novel, in case anyone is interested.

http://www.ljagilamplighter.com/works/the-creation-campaign-chapter-one-the-dreamers-whose-dreams-are-true/

 

 

Originally posted to Welcome to Arhyalon. (link)

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From:filialucis
Date:November 3rd, 2011 01:05 pm (UTC)
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Gosh, you do know how to write an intriguing first chapter! When will the rest of it become available?

(If I may nitpick a little, I'm not too sure I'm going to like the Virginia character. She seems a bit giggly for the apparent gravity of the situation, and I'm not at all sure I buy the Georgette Heyer moment where she imagines being married to the Archmage; but the premise of the story looks as though it's going to be an interesting one, and I'd keep reading.)

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From:arhyalon
Date:November 3rd, 2011 01:21 pm (UTC)
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I have no idea when it will be available, my editor hasn't even read it yet, much less bought it. Sigh.

Victoria explains in a later chapter why it is that her reaction to danger is to start laughing, but she is not giggly in general. (My point here being, if you don't care for giggly main characters, she isn't one. She just has a tendency laugh at somewhat inapproriate times.)

As to the married thing...that bit had been much shorter, but a reader complained that I needed more indication at the onset that she was interested in him. Perhaps I added too much. I'll glance at it again.

Edited at 2011-11-03 01:24 pm (UTC)
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From:arhyalon
Date:November 3rd, 2011 01:45 pm (UTC)
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I wonder if I should post the first three chapters. It's hard to get much of an idea about the story or what the main character is like in the first chapter.
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From:baduin
Date:November 8th, 2011 08:10 pm (UTC)
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It is very good, of course. Let's treat all relevant compliments and enumerations of the merits of your work as given, and come straight to the criticisms:

I still do not know if the weather is cold or hot. (I see that later you write it is June, but it should be apparent at the beginning - otherwise, it is difficult to imagine the scene correctly).

"A pale walkway led to a brick mansion with narrow, peaked gables and a wide patio. Elegant formal gardens flanked the house. Flowering plants grew in large urns upon the porch, the blooms of which she could not make out in the dark. Between the gate and the gardens lay neatly-trimmed lawns. To the left, yew trees clipped into fanciful shapes—centaurs, minotaurs, satyrs—rustled and moved like living things in the midnight breeze."

The layout is not clear to me. Are the gardens to the left and to the right of the house? - in that case, the lawns are rather between the hedge (not the gate) and the gardens.

"Flowering plants grew in large urns upon the porch, the blooms of which she could not make out in the dark." There is something wrong with this sentence; perhaps it would be better to write: "but she could not make out their blooms in the dark.".

"She had literally walked into a fairytale." "Literally" seems unnecessary.

"She still could not believe that she stood in the house of a real magician. A week ago—before the dragon attacked West Virginia—no one would have imagined such a thing was even possible." It seems an unnecessary repetition.

Everything else seems perfect - at least to me. But I am not a very good critic.
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From:arhyalon
Date:November 8th, 2011 08:51 pm (UTC)
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Thanks. ;-)
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